The Delicate Balance of Rewards and Consequences

The following are thoughts distilled from ADDitude magazine re: the delicate balance between praise/rewards and consistent and fair consequences.  It is far too easy to correct/criticize; far harder to give legitimate praise and pats on the back.  Some of us need much more of the latter than the former.  But note my emphasis on 'legitimate'.  

One of things I learned early in my teaching career was to be specific with both my praise and my appeals to stop something.  'You're doing well, Gerrie' does nothing.  The reaction I imagined that such a shout-out would elicit would be, 'Doing well at what?  Breathing? Standing still?' And the same for, 'Stop that!'  'What am I supposed to stop, breathing, standing still?' (Better to say, "Walk" rather than "Don't run." since many of us tune out the 'Don't' and hear only the 'run'.)

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So following the concept of positive reinforcement being specific and legitimate, here are some ideas to help reinforce the positive behaviours.

1. Spend time together - unstructured 15 minutes each day, doing what she wants to do.  No devices for either of you.  Just one-on-one.  It could be reading with each other, to each other; telling jokes; going for a walk.  Maybe make a list of all the things your child wants to do and put them in a jar to pull out.  That's your first one-on-one time - making a list.  Throw in something that you'd like to do with your child that maybe she hasn't thought of yet.
2. Praise (legitimately and specifically) often.  At the beginning, you might really have to look, but it can start small.  "I like the way you concentrated on trying to spell that word." "I like the way you walked quietly from the kitchen to your bedroom."  I used to put 10 tokens in my pocket to remind me to praise or recognize a certain student who really needed that positive reinforcement.  When I did, I transferred that token to the other pocket and kept going until all 10 were in the other pocket.  
• For more information on specific praise, see this site called MINDSET: THE NEW PSYCHOLOGY OF SUCCESS
• and click here for a 'cheat sheet' on specific prompts (see the end of this post for what it looks like)
3. Reinforce (especially for little ones) with small tokens - stars on a chart; tokens in a chair.  Help your child decide what he'd like to earn recognition for.  Then together, decide how many stars have to be earned for a bigger reward (a trip to Dairy Queen, a playdate, and so on).  Surprise your child by adding a star when he's not looking.  And never take away a token or a star.  If he legitimately earned it, he gets to keep it. 
• Caveat: beware of the "If I do this, do I get a star?" motivation.  If that happens, time to look for another support system.  
4. Be direct.  Don't ask; tell. Avoid "Would you mind?" or finishing your 'tell' with "Okay?" The directive should be clear, short, and pithy (to the point).  "Pick up your school bag and put it away now please."
5. Use eye contact.  It's harder to ignore someone when you must look them in the face.   “This can be done with humor,” says child psychologist Douglas Riley. “I use the phrase, ‘Give me your eyeballs.'”
6. Be consistent with consequences. If a child misbehaves five (5) times but receives consequences for only three (3), it's not hard for them to figure out the odds of getting away with something.  It reminds me of the old story about Freddie and Irene playing outside. Irene's mother calls her for dinner.  When she ignores several calls, Freddies asks why she isn't going in.  Irene responds that her mother had only called four (4) times.  "When she gets to six, I know she's serious."
• Depending on the nature of the behaviour, get your child's input on what the consequence should be.  Often his or her suggested consequence might be more on point than the one you were thinking of.  

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