Some thoughts at the end of ADHD Awareness Month

October is ADHD Awareness Month.  Recognizing and acknowledging ADHD tendencies in our kids, both our own and the ones in our classroom, can be a challenge.  But as I become more knowledgeable and do more research on the topic, and listen to family members talk about their experiences, the prevailing reaction to a diagnosis seems to be, "Thank goodness; now I know why I've been feeling that way. Now I know what I am dealing with!"

So here's a short (I hope) compilation of one webinar session from this past month, entitled Having the Talk: How to Best Explain ADHD to Your Child, Family, and Friends.  Part Two will share some 'hacks' from another ADHD expert.

Resources and speaker acknowledgement are at the end of the post for further reference.  

Thank you in advance for reading!

In past posts I've referred to Executive Functions; those with ADHD have Executive Function developmental delay. These functions are regulated by the prefrontal cortex or operating system of our brain.  For kids with ADHD, that operating system is developing at a slower rate than the rest of the brain.  Try the analogy of playing with a 2016 version of Minecraft against someone who is using an up-to-date version.  The 2016 version is a little glitchy, so it's harder to do certain things that the newer version can do easily.

ADHD makes it:

• harder to do 'future planning' - picturing things that you have to do in the future;
• harder to'feel' time;  see The Executive Functions of Time Management;
• harder to use 'episodic memory'; 
• that is, it's hard to remember how something made us feel in the past; if we could remember doing something that was negative, we might not repeat it. 
• harder to do 'perspective taking', which means: 
• appreciating what others might be thinking or feeling, as you are talking;  
• understanding how you come across to others when you're engaged with them (i.e., it's hard to 'read the room');
  
• harder to switch from doing something you really like to do to something you don't like;
• harder to be flexible and accept change;
• this is why many teens are resistant to accepting help.

The Brain Coach 

All of us have a "Brain Coach" - that little voice inside our brain that is self-directed talk helping us make decisions, plan, and carry out those all-important Executive Functions.  

With ADHD, the volume for the Brain Coach is turned down too low, so:

• it's harder to pick up the signals that we should be planning for that assignment that's due;
• it's harder to get started on things that are boring or difficult and once started, to stick with them;
• it's harder to figure out what's a little, medium, or big problem;
• kids with ADHD often overreact to what is really a minor problem and not react appropriately to a big problem!
• it's harder to 'see into' the future to predict what might be the outcome of our present actions, even if it's just a few seconds 'down the road'.

Suggestions for what kids with ADHD can say to their peers (or adults who need help understanding):

• "My brain makes it hard for me to picture what I'm supposed to be doing and to pay attention to things I'm not interested in."
• "ADHD makes it hard for me to think about the future before I do something; I'm afraid I'm going to forget something; that's why I call out a lot in class."
• "It's hard for me to remember to do something because ADHD means I can't hear my Brain Coach clearly."

Further thoughts:

• You can't 'speed up' the development of the frontal cortex by being stricter or punishing a child.
• BUT the behaviour is not an excuse; it's an explanation for why a child does things the way he does.
• 30% of kids with ADHD also present with anxiety; boys especially feel they are the only ones feeling like this; it's a huge relief when they realize they are not the only one feeling this way.

Medication

"Medication; it's a band-aid; it won't solve ADHD but it helps to regulate the symptoms.  It helps to 'slow you down so you can hear the Brain Coach' ".

Quotes from the Webinar

• ADHD is a description of how your brain works; it is not your identity.  
• ADHD is not a character flaw.
• Denying ADHD exists could very likely impair your relationship with your child.
• When we were growing up, ADHD was rarely diagnosed.  If it was diagnosed it was rarely talked about or explained to kids beyond "trouble paying attention or sitting still."

My Thoughts

Many parents do not wish to acknowledge that a child might 'have' ADHD because it means giving them 'a label'.  My response is that that label can bring a wealth of comfort, a huge sense of relief, and access to valuable resources and support.

Finally, a disclaimer.  I'm trying to become as knowledgeable as I can about this topic, but I am a teacher, not a social worker or a therapist.  I'm sharing resources that I have found to be both helpful and reliable.

The Resources

1. Ryan Wexelblatt, LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker) was the presenter of this webinar, as presented on https://www.additudemag.com/
1. Ryan specializes in working with males from 5 - 22 who present with ADHD, anxiety with ADHD, and learning differences.
2. Ryan has a YouTube channel  with some specifically directed to fathers.
3. He also has a ADHD Dude Facebook group.
2. CHADD (Children and Adults with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder)
3. Try Totally ADD for a Canadian and humourous take on ADHD.  You might recognize Rick Green, the founder of Totally ADD, as one of the writers for the Red Green show (which just might be dating me!).  I particularly encourage you to read the About Us page to put a human face on ADHD.

 

Moving Beyond 'How was school today?' Question

This topic came up because of the conversation around the family Thanksgiving table this weekend.

I think we've all been there - trying to start a conversation with the question "How was your day?" or "How was school today?" Often the response is "Fine." and that's the end of the conversation.

I found several websites with variations on the following questions.  I've adapted some of them for this post.

50 + Questions to Ask After School

(or during dinner!)

1. What was the best thing that happened today?
2. What made you smile today?
3. What made you laugh?
4. Tell me about a kindness you saw (or did) today?
1. Follow up - did you see any unkindness?
5. Who did you help today? 
6. Whose bucket did you fill today?
7. Who filled your bucket?
   
8. Does everyone have someone to play with at recess?
9. What was the book about that your teacher was reading to you?
10. What's the word of the day? (or week?)
11. What was the silliest thing you saw today?
12. If you could change one thing about today, what would it be?
13. What did you do that was really creative?
14. What compliment did you pay someone today?
15. Did someone compliment you today?  What did they say?
16. What are some of the games that the kids play at recess?
17. What recess game is your favourite?
18. How many times do you think you said 'Thank you'?
19. Who do you sit with at lunch?
20. What did you learn today that was brand new to you?
21. Who was the person who inspired you today? (or made you feel good about yourself?)
22. What were the high points and the low points of today?
23. What's your favourite part of the day?
    
24. What's your least favourite part of the day?
25. Was anyone absent today?
26. What happened in class that made you think?
27. Who did you play with today?
28. Tell me something you learned today that you didn't know yesterday.
29. Did you like your lunch?
30. Rate your day on a scale from 1 - 10.
31. How were you brave today?
32. What was a question you asked in class today?
33. What were the top two things that happened today?
34. What are you looking forward to tomorrow?
35. What are you reading right now?
36. What was/is the hardest rule to follow?
37. Teach me something that I probably don't know.
38. If you could change one thing about today, what would it be?
39. What made your teacher smile today?  What made your teacher frown?
40. What made you feel proud today?
41. Tell me about one new word you learned today.
42. What is your favourite part of the school building?  Least favourite?
43. If you switched places with your teacher tomorrow, what would you teach the class?
44. What colour were the teacher's shoes today?
45. Who did you say something nice to today?  What did you say?
46. Who needs a friend at school?
47. What word did the teacher say a lot today?
48. How does the teacher tell the class to be quiet?
49. Where is your desk?  Who are you sitting with?
50. Did you see the custodian (caretaker) today?  What was she/he doing?
51. What do you wish the teacher knew about you?
52. What is one crazy thing that happened at school today?
53. If I got an email from your teacher today, what would it say?
54. Who told a funny joke today?  What was it?
55. Which of your teachers was the happiest today? Grumpiest? Kindest?
56. When were you bored today? (what was the topic?  How could it be more interesting?)
57. Did anyone have a birthday today?  How are they going to celebrate?
58. What was the most challenging part of the day?

All of these questions can have follow-up questions but I'd play it by ear.  One question often leads to another and lo and behold you have a conversation.  And finally, don't forget a conversation is a two-way street, so be ready to share what happened to you today.  Invite your child to ask you a question, or share your own experience (current or past) related to the question you asked.

If you have other questions you've tried, please share!

The Executive Functions of Time Management

Can you identify with one or more of the following scenarios?

1. It's Thursday night and you're helping Sam put away his books in his backpack for tomorrow.  As he's about to zipper up the backpack he says, "I think Mrs. James said something about our Social Studies project being due tomorrow." What the heck?  This is the first time you've heard of this project.  
2. It's Monday after school and Ashley is pulling out her agenda from her backpack and hands you a crumpled piece of paper.  She sighs and tells you that it's about her science experiment that is due sometime.  "It's gonna take so long to do this; I'll never be able to do it."
3. Robert has been sitting at his desk for at least 30 minutes; as you drop in to check to see how he's doing, he lets out a heavy sigh and says, "I've got so many assignments.  I'm never going to find the time to do them all."

Do any of these scenarios ring true?  Those who are able to plan effectively can 'see' into the future; they know how to adjust their schedule to make things happen.  The phrase 'the event horizon line' sums this planning up - effective planners can see how much time is between 'now' and 'then'.

But those kids (and adults) who have weak executive function skills for time management and setting priorities, being able to plan is a real issue.  The future doesn't exist.  In fact, for them, there are often only two times - 'Now' and 'Not now'.

How can we support those students?

It's all about calendars - big, print calendars that show us the future.  We need to see it writ large.

Here's how to make 'big' calendars work

Start with the whole year at once.

Use an academic calendar (September to August).

• First step - cross off those dates that are NOT school dates (holidays, March break, vacation, reading week, PA days, and so on).
• In the examples below, the dates have been colour-coded and then identified for each month. (It's an American calendar so not only does school start in August but Thanksgiving is in the 'wrong' spot!)
• Once the holidays, PA days etc. are recorded, add in the school assignments, projects etc. that you know about.  This is going to be an on-going project.
• Update the calendar as the year goes on. 

Close up from Yearly Calendar:

Now break out the monthly calendars.

• To help children appreciate how much 'actual' time they have and do not have, add in those after-school events (soccer practice, Brownies, swimming etc.) and family events.
• Once you have added in those 'inflexible' events, work with your child to fill in the times when he might work on any assignments.
• Cross off the days as they go by (see below for why that works).
• Note that in the monthly calendar example below that subjects have different colour coding and that there are different 'check points' for assignments (i.e., assigned date, mid-way, due date).

Time for the daily TO DO list.

• This is where the app for your device comes in handy.  If you both have devices, you could 'sync' the To Do list so you both have access to it.
• If no devices, use the weekly agenda from school (but keep reading to see why it has its limitations).

Some cautions

• There's a lot going on in what I've just explained.  This is so much more than a one-off session.  Do this in small steps.  You know your child best and how much she can handle at any one time.  Take baby steps.
• This process of making a habit of planning and setting priorities is going to take time.  But just getting out the calendar and crossing off some dates is a huge step.  It's surprising how motivating that seemingly insignificant step can be.
• This is a true 'coaching' activity.  We can't just hand kids the calendar (weekly, yearly, monthly) and expect them to fill it out.  We have to work with them and help them understand the process and why it's going to help them.  It's about starting with them, working with them (sometimes for several weeks), and then gradually backing off but still checking in with them.  This is called 'scaffolding'. Executive functions don't get learned overnight.    

  

  Scaffolding - substitute "parent" for 'teacher'

• As you work with your child to develop these time management executive functions, over time (!) you're going to remove some of the 'scaffolding' - i.e., let them add in their assignments on their own to the calendar (you won't be hovering, but you'll be watching from a distance), and then you won't be reminding them at all (or maybe only occasionally).  But don't put away the scaffolding completely; just put it aside; it might be needed again.
• As you remove some of the scaffolding, you could ask your child how often he would like you to check in with him about how things are going - is it twice a week, once a week?  If those check-in times don't work, make adjustments.  We need to have those small steps be successful. 
• Because this is a coaching activity, it's the kids adding to the calendar.  They have to 'own it'.  But you're there to coach them as to how to do it.
• You could set up your own calendar and model it (as teachers do at school when they are using the scaffolding process).  Think out loud as you add your events to the calendar: Let's see, Thanksgiving is next week (mark that on the calendar); I have to buy the turkey - okay that's going on this date; I have to ask the kids to make some table decorations - that's going on this date.

I'm not convinced

• We  have a school agenda; why can't I just use that?
• Yes, and it's colourful but it's weekly.  It doesn't give you the 'big' picture.  Once you turn the page and move on to the next week, that week is past.  Or you can't see into the next week.  And we need to see that ongoing time.
• If you must use the school agenda, use it as the To Do list for daily check-ups.
• It's going to take too long to set this up.
• Let's assume you have the big yearly calendar and the smaller monthly calendars. Time your child on how long it takes to add the holidays, vacations, etc. and then add the known assignments (remember - when you start, you won't have all the assignments for the whole year).  It really does not take that long and it is sooooo satisfying to see all those non-school days checked off.
• But I have yearly, monthly, weekly, daily calendars on my device.
• Indeed we do, and they can be helpful but those calendars (other than daily) are teeny-weeny.  We need to see more than 'dots' on the monthly calendar.  It's not the BIG picture.

Okay, it's becoming convincing.  Why does it work?

• When we can see the 'big' picture, it doesn't seem as scary anymore.  The big picture shows us the time that we have; it gives us space to plan.  We can see that event horizon, and see exactly how much time there is between 'now' and 'then'.
• In Sam's case (Scenario #1), you're going to need to work with the teacher to find a way for her to communicate with you about what is coming up and what the due dates are.  It's a team effort.
• Some people will say, "But the kids have to learn how to do this themselves."  And in a perfect world maybe that would be true.  But it's not a perfect world and we are not perfect.  We need that scaffolding.  It is not a crutch.  It's a learning strategy. The goal is to get them to doing it themselves.
• For Ashley (Scenario #2) when she uses the calendar, she can see how much time she has; she can see how the 'whole' can be broken down into manageable parts.  It is no longer overwhelming.
• For Robert (Scenario #3) he can now set priorities (with your coaching) about which project should be started first.  Just getting those projects onto the calendar is a huge step forward, even though it looks like such a small baby step!
• Crossing off the days is another great motivator and so important.  We can see the time gap closing between 'now' and 'then'.  The open spaces are shrinking and we can get a really good grasp of time passing.
• When teachers use this strategy of having the kids cross off the dates, they notice that the students worked more on their tasks because they could 'see' that deadline creeping closer.

But what if it's not working or stops working?

• To be quite honest - quite likely that's going to happen.  So when it's working, watch out for when it's not.
• Change it up - get a new calendar, new highlighting colours, smaller steps, more check-ins.
• Ask questions:
• What do you want to work on for improving?
• What was different when it worked?
• What was different when it didn't?
• If a deadline was missed, what can you learn?  What would you do differently next time?
• For younger kids, use stickers for milestones on the calendar when met.
• Plan celebrations - frequently - for all ages.
• Plan a celebration when mistakes happen and we learn from them.
• Plan something big for when something big is completed.

Final thoughts:

The Year calendar is the Motivator; it's not 365 days of school.

The Month calendar is the View - it's manageable.

The Daily is the To Do List, to keep me on track.

Good luck and let me know what works for you!

Thanks to the webinar Developing "Future Thinking": Getting Things Done with Less Stress and Fuss by Marydee Sklar for inspiration and screenschots of calendars.